I've been wandering around aimlessly for the past month or so. Not that I haven't had anything to do; I've had plenty to do. I have to finish editing my dissertation. I have some papers to write for various things. I have lesson plans to update. I have a house to clean. I have books to read. I have movies and TV shows to watch. I have scrapbooking, genealogy, and numerous hobbies to get back into.

So, it's not that I have nothing to *do*. It's more that I have nothing to *look forward to*. I had a long-term goal for a very long time, and now that I've reached it, I keep thinking, "Now what?"

I've written about this before, so I won't belabor the issue.

And I've also written about some goals that I have, but none of them seemed to be enough. I am looking for something *more*.

So I've decided to concentrate on one goal. It is a long-term goal, has many components, and will not be easy to accomplish. I want to adopt a child.

This is something I've wanted to do ever since I can remember. I have wanted to do this much more than I have wanted to get married or have "my own" (read: natural) children or even get a doctorate. So now I'm going to plan for it.

Now, this is going to take a lot more than just *wanting* to adopt. In fact, several of my other goals will have to be put into place before I can accomplish this.

First, I need to be financially stable. This means that I need to have a good job and reduce a great deal of my debt. This is going to take some time and energy, I know, but it will be great for me in many ways.

Second, I need a better place to live. Either I need to get my house all fixed up or I need to move. I would like to do both, just in case. But at any rate, I need a much better place to live. And I'll be happier once both happen.

Third, I need to be healthier. Since going on the insulin, I have learned how to control my blood sugar. I'm a lot healthier than I was a year ago, and I'm getting the care that I need. But I need to lose weight and still be even more healthy. So that means I need to start exercising. A LOT. And eating better. I know I can do it; I just need a better plan, I think.

So that's it. The Goal. This may take 3 years. Or more. But at least now I have a goal.

I hate injecting insulin. It hurts, and it's annoying. But it is a lifesaver, and I'm ever grateful for it. More on this when I have a chance.

I love potato salad. I don’t know why. I think it’s the starchiness of the potatoes, the creaminess of the dressing, the crunchiness of the pickles and whatever else the chef decides to include in the recipe, the sweet-tart-salty mixture of all of the ingredients. Commercial potato salad will do in a pinch, but there is nothing like homemade potato salad. I don’t make my own, because I don’t have the patience to cook, cube, and chop everything that needs to be attended to. But, oh, how I love potato salad.

Taking insulin for the past 10 weeks has made diabetes very real for me. Instead of just taking pills twice a day, I now have to be constantly aware of my next mealtime, the number of pens in my refrigerator, where my last injection site was. And I hate it. Just as much as I love potato salad, I hate diabetes. Maybe more. No, definitely more.

And you definitely know that you are a diabetic when potato salad makes you cry.

So . . . I received a package from FedEx today. It took me completely by surprise--first, because I'm expecting my new phone, and I was surprised that it would be here so soon; and second, because when I realized it wasn't my phone, I had no idea what it could possibly be. I opened the package, and all I could see were pink and purple feathers! Turns out that someone connected to Divabetic read this blog and how disappointed I was with my experience, so she wanted to send me something to make up for it. She sent me a feather boa (in pink and purple--my favorite colors), a T-shirt (not even close to being my size), and a huge tote bag. It was strange, nice, and a little creepy. My thoughts . . .

1) I think that Divabetic is great, in theory. However, the event itself was very unorganized and too loud. There was just a lot of yelling--so much, in fact, that I couldn't understand the people in the education stations. There was too much waiting, and the things that people wanted the most were really unavailable unless you wanted to spend the entire event waiting for one thing. I realize that the event is helpful for a lot of people. It was probably the most helpful for those people who pushed their way to the front of lines to "be with their group." (In the grocery store, I call it tag-team shopping.)

2) I think that the education stations were also a great idea. However, I really didn't learn anything that I didn't know, and I am irritated that I was told that the only way I could get my gift bag was to visit every single station. If the information had been helpful, that would have been one thing. But it really wasted my time to have to stand in long lines to hear something I already knew.

3) I think it's great that there were free food and free drinks. It would have been even better if I had gotten to eat more than one thing, but, hey, that's just because I'm polite and didn't push my way to the food. Also, maybe next time Divabetic should provide recipes in order to make it a true educational experience.

4) I think it's a sign of a good company if there's someone in the company who periodically searches blogs and other places to see what people are saying about the company. (It's the reason I didn't use the name of the place I was teaching earlier this year.) However, I think it's a little creepy and possibly over the line to match someone's blog with the registration list in order to get in touch with someone whose blog you read.

5) I really appreciate getting the stuff. It was a nice gesture (even though the shirt doesn't fit; I'll have to donate that to the Women's Center). And the feather boa is pretty cool. Even though, well, see #4.

So, thanks, Divabetic, for reaching out, even though, well, see #4.

So, I was really looking forward to Divabetic at Paramount Studios yesterday. It was advertised as a day of education and fun for diabetics and those who love them. I guess that's what it was, but, unfortunately, I didn't learn much, and I didn't have a whole lot of fun either. It wasn't NOT fun; it just wasn't all that great.

I arrived at Paramount Studios about 10 minutes before the event was supposed to start. And then I drove around and around in the parking lot to find somewhere to park. Since the fan in my car is not working, I was not thrilled to be stuck in my car for 20 minutes in the heat.

Finally, I parked, and a nice parking lot attendant directed me to the tram oversized golf cart that would take me to sound stage 10 for the event. It was only about 2 buildings away, as it turns out, so I didn't have to accept the ride anyway. I checked in and received my "maze map." I was told that I needed to visit all 6 education stations and fill out the survey on the back of the map in order to receive my gift bag as I left the event.

As I entered the building, I discovered that it was packed and LOUD. Right at the entrance, there was a line for the American Diabetes Association. The make-up tables were along the wall to my right, and people had already filled all of the chairs. In fact, the entire place was so crowded that it was difficult to get anywhere. A woman to my left beckoned me to her booth. "What are you doing over here?" I asked. "Blood pressure," she answered. "I have my blood pressure checked regularly," I answered. "And it's very good." "OK," she answered, without telling me that her booth held more than that.

I snagged a Pellegrino from the drink booth and finally got my bearings. I headed for one of the education stations and stood in line for a VERY long time to talk to a diabetes educator. At least . . . I think she was a diabetes educator; I'm actually not really sure. Anyway, the rest of the day was more of the same--standing in lines for education booths and talking to people whose credentials I wasn't really sure of.

The worst booth was the "Glam More, Fear Less" station. We were supposed to learn about pedicures and buying the perfect "little black dress." The speaker was horrible! And she offended me when she totally got my body type wrong. Honestly! Plus, she was wearing a too-tight dress that did not flatter her AT ALL!

There was free food, but I didn't get much of anything. The servers with the trays never seemed to come near me. Oh well. I managed to get a hand massage from someone. She didn't do a good job of telling me the name of her product, other than it's sold at CVS. I did not get a make-over or a manicure, both of which I had hoped for. But the lines were way too long. That was my biggest disappointment. My other disappointment was that I really didn't learn anything that I didn't know beforehand. I did manage to get my free gift bag, which had a lot of stuff to read, a few samples of cosmetics and stuff, and a cookbook. The backpack itself is pretty nice, and I may use that more than once.

Overall, I'll have to say that Divabetic was a disappointment, and I don't plan on attending another one of their events anytime soon.

I've heard it before that diabetics are more prone to depression than the general public. However, I don't think that I've read an article that explained depression quite as well as this one.

Serious, clinical depression is extremely tough to explain to people who have never experienced it, but the bell jar metaphor posed by poet Sylvia Plath back in the 60’s strikes me as good as any: the sensation is as though there is a thin film between you and anything good in the world. My therapist calls it wearing ‘shit-colored glasses’, where nothing looks good and nothing appears worth working for.

Wow. This really hit home for me. I would never have explained it that way, but I completely understood it. Since I've been in and out of my own personal black hole lately, the timing couldn't have been any closer to perfect. And I was glad that the author was optimistic but still realistic in her article.

You can’t choose to get out of a bad depression, but you can decide to give attention to people who love you and who assure you that better days will come. You can’t cure your diabetes, but you can decide to follow your exercise, eating and drug treatment plans as best you can.

And that's what I'm choosing to do. Even though I don't feel like it and really, really, really don't want to. Thanks for writing, Ilene Raymond Rush.

It's National Diabetes Month. I find it interesting because not only is November my birth month, it's also the month in which I was diagnosed. I think I was actually diagnosed on the day before my birthday.

Anyway, it's a time to raise awareness about what diabetes really is and what it's not. And it's also a great time to donate what you can--time, money, energy, etc.--to diabetes research and education. But, hey, as far as I'm concerned, anytime is a perfect time for that!

So if you want to know about diabetes, just ask me. I don't promise to know all of the answers. I'm not a diabetes expert; I'm just me--someone who happens to be diabetic.

By the way, here is a good article on National Diabetes Month from dLife.