Life Right Now
I've had a crappy--no, shitty--past two weeks. *sigh*
My job has let me down. I had been teaching a class. It was a difficult class because of some circumstances out of my control. Frankly, I didn't even want the class to begin with. But I did my best. And they turned on me. My students never told me I was a bad teacher to my face, but they felt the need to say I was horrible and mean to my bosses and to anyone else who would listen.
The only good thing that came out of this is that I found out just how much I am supported in my classroom. Iain, Kelly, and Elizabeth all backed me up, and, because of my class's idiocy, are still backing me up--even though the course is finished. It is a far cry from having to work with JS, TM, TF, GB, and PH. I am grateful for their encouragement.
Still, the entire situation has put me in a really shitty mood. I am too old to be dealing with this petty crap. I'm a good--make that, GREAT--teacher. I'm always on time, I know my stuff, I cover all of the material IN THE ALLOTTED TIME, I support my center, I get people to come to workshops, I'm available to my students via email and before and after class, AND MY STUDENTS GET RESULTS! I do all of that, and still I'm vulnerable to the kind of attacks that I've had to endure. I'm angry and hurt and just want to cry.
And I was supposed to be happy about my birthday in the midst of this. I got a lot of well-wishes on Facebook. I was very grateful for those. I was also fascinated by who managed to forget. It was a little heartbreaking on a couple of accounts. Still, Stephen, Mesash and Ashley, and Virna all took me out for meals--on three different days! So that was quite nice. And Stephen, Chris, and Trish donated to DWC, which was really great.
Yet, my birthday left me feeling empty. I usually love my birthday, but this year, for the first time, I felt as if life has just passed me by. I was supposed to be at a different stage in my life than I am. And I'm disappointed, because I know that I'm too old for most--if not every one--of my wishes to come true. It makes me truly sad.
Last night I actually went to DWC for our monthly birthday party. The party was great, and the ladies had a better-than-usual time, thanks to Ricardo and his singing. But the party ended badly for me, due to people's lack of respect and boundaries. This is really the first time this has happened to me at the center, and it really did hurt. It was mostly due to misunderstandings, but it was not something I needed on top of everything else.
The worst part is that this cyberSCREAMing is really all I can do. There's no one home to talk to; I don't have anyone to hold me and assure me that I'm loved; even my best friends have other things going on in their lives--too much to concern themselves with my feelings right now. Sure, they can give me a few hours of their time--but, really, there's no one in my life that can give me of themselves. I'm not complaining; they have a right to their own lives and their own loved ones. It's just that I'm really sad . . .
Oh well. Back to work . . . *puts mask back on*
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